The word is easy. Not only the sensation, but the desired feeling. About life, about all of it. Easy. Surrender; it can be easy. Love; it can be easy. Heart, soul, destiny, spirit, magic, even work—they, too, can be easy. It is we who make it hard, the dragons in our minds, the demons at and on our backs, our philosophical and existential pursuits, our debates of meaning, constant quest for understanding, furthering, our individual complexities, eccentricities. Sometimes, it is simply a challenge to breathe. To breathe! The one thing we must do. Dragons of memory, of pain, of confusion and trauma catch our breath at the back of our throats, keeping her at the top of our lungs. Demons of nerves, demons of doubt, possessions, egos, perceived necessities, the drive toward fame and fortune, validation. These are the things that make it all difficult, that make life as we know it, difficult. I have wrestled Easy. I did not want to know her, I ran from her, I ran toward darkness and it was darkness who I found. I have known her, Surrender’s antithesis, the confused tunnels at the base of our minds. We all realize the most difficult thing is to sit still with ourselves.
The wild horses of my mind have been at a gallop. Sprinting, racing, everywhere, in all directions, all at once, nostrils flaring, manes ablaze, eyes wide open, hearts pounding, pointing everywhere and nothing in between, for so very long. Each beast with a different energy, all spread outward, reaching. And what do you say to a horse to calm her? Easy. Easy, easy. Whoa. One of the horses turning, pausing, checking itself before its eventual demise. An animal in fear, a deer for example, if being chased, will run until it falls down and simply dies. The body of the deer is unable to cool itself to match the exertion of her perpetual flight. This is the way a human can catch her. Slowly, over great time, tracking the lesser animal in fear, waiting, following behind at a sustainable pace, continuing to supply the necessary food and water to fuel the pursuit. Deer will run herself out, if we can wait for her to do so. And then, death is easy. We do not even have to shoot. Deer simply falls down and dies, ours for the taking, a bird in the hand.
It helps me to consider my mind this way. Its a thing I can relate to, the taming of an animal. The calming of the mind, the honing, and possible mastering, of some focused skill. The idea of taming something as wild as our hearts has been familiar to me since the reading of The Little Prince and the beautiful fox therein. He tames. I am hoping, I am seeking, to tame myself, in a way.
Imagine a source of light, igniting a great space. The light reaches all the corners, emitting from a source in the center. The light fills the room, it is pushing outward, always. This is the way I have felt for quite some time, as though I was reaching into all directions at once, all places at once, toward each person I met, every story I heard, so thirsty, always outward, toward the sea, toward the horizon, toward the mystery, toward men, even. Often, in this process of extension, I ignored the source entirely. This is because that source felt less beautiful than whatever its light could touch. Only recently has it occurred to me to take the light in my hands and draw it back toward the center. To pull it inward, to give the majority the light to the source, to the source that is me, without guilt. To hold it and feel the heat being generated and surrender to the love that we can offer ourselves.
Today I was handed a tool by a master. It is a bamboo stick, very simple, employed in the art of traditional Thai style bamboo tattoo. To use it you move slowly, the practice of tattoo of lesser impact, less pain, less power, more surrender, more patience. The tool has potential motion at both axises. Its offering to me represents something I choose to accept, and that is a destiny of sorts. A responsibility. Being a tattoo artist was never something I anticipated, nor is it something that’s come easy for me thus far. It has taken much from me, and challenged me on every level. Learning to handle that practice, to handle myself, to humble myself to someone far wiser than me, who is a true Thai master of magic and heart, and to give effort toward something I am absolutely, for the moment, faking being confident in—that is my mission for the next three months. I have been given an opportunity, and I will not run. Lovely baby steps in the direction of my own power, my grace, my one wild and precious life.
Thailand is, so very simply, beautiful. I am, so very simply, very, very lucky. If you need me, I’ll be here for, at least, three months, working to concentrate, working to heal, working to learn and focus. I commit to these ideas of healing and growing, of ease and surrender, of magic and power. In a temporary world, the vaguest permanence we can muster is the state of being we carry in our hearts. I grant this experience permission to affect change in that, and I will give it the time and energy required to do so.
Salud! Looking forward to working with many of you. Thank you for supporting my process. I hope to share much of what I learn in this strange format, as I realize its a beautiful creative process, but I will be keeping much of my situation to myself, as well. If you want to know, you already do.
Wishing you beauty in all your pursuits, peace in your hearts and love in your hands. Warrior spirit.
